i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
