How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
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we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
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he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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