I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
It's rum buckets o'clock
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
