last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
