he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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