this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
