after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
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A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
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HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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