Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
