His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
