Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Randomize
