I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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