I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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