Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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