remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
