you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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