Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
