Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
