I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I am midnight drunk by noon
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
