I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
