Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
