Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I am naked and annoyed.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
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