I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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