Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
