Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
