forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
