im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
