My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
