If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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