Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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