new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Semen is not good for contacts.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
