When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
