My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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