So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Michael Bay diarrhea
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
