First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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