Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
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I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
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We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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