Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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