Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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