I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
