Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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