True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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