Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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