i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
