I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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