i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
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Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
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I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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