I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
