I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
