So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
