mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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