She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
