I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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