so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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