You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
