Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
