I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
where are you?
Hypothermia
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
