You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Randomize
