no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
