My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
