you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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