Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
