I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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