We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
