nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
